Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Sad news from Minnesota

Sad news from Minnesota...

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California. Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. 

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

Have a good day!

Two Poems by Carmine Giordano

Summa Theologica
by Carmine Giordano

The essential thing, Antonio,
is that we continue to breathe - be body
be in the moment of our being 
see the morning light 
have the day green again
fill the eye with the berry’s scarlet
the symmetry of the sparrow’s wing
have tongue taste the water’s steel
arms feel the ripple of our bones
walk the high wind 
move against air
fill the space surround
be dear to the world 
make our noise fiercely - sigh
as molten vermillion
the sun dazzles down
to the sea

*                 *                *
Reductio ad Absurdum
by Carmine Giordano

I used to get the biggest buzz
thinking of Jesus how the Big Being
of the universe rolled himself out
small and tiny into man-shaped form
squeezed himself eyes nose and bum
into an adolescent girl from old Judea
like a cast in a plastic mold
and as Sister Georgina Louise
and Monsignor Elwood and the pope
and the whole college of cardinals told me
the amazing thing was that he did it
all for little old inconsequential me -
a kid who lived between Avenue P and Ryder
a trolley ride away from Coney Island -
because my old Neanderthal grandparents
had been outfoxed by a snake and gave me
the original sin which made them and me
horny and bonkers and got us chased
out of a garden where before then
we were naked and would have lived forever
and this is what I was told was the way
things really were when they wound me up
and sent me out into my life
where coyotes roam in desert places
where the leaves of spring fall from the trees
where my feet bear down on the pull of the earth
while I drag the human animal - pitiful and brave
through his long and lonely paces.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

A Weird Saint, No 2

God is busy, alright? He doesn't have time to sift through every prayer asking for help with a dog bite or syphilis. To help out, over the centuries the Catholic Church has recruited patron saints to act as sort of receptionists to sort through your requests.
And lucky for you, there is a Saint for everything. And we mean everything.
Saint Isidore of Seville: Patron Saint of the Internet
How did He Become a Saint?
Born circa 560 in Spain, Isidore began his life similar to most modern day American kids, as a really lousy student. Then again, students of those days were expected to complete the Trivium and Quadrivium, meaning if you mastered grammar, logic and rhetoric you were still a dumbass who couldn't make time for geometry, astrology, music and arithmetic.
Burned out on book learning and unable to plagiarize from Wikipedia, Isidore did something unlike American students: he turned to God for help, instead of weed and gallons of alcohol.
After this he became one of the most learned men of his time, writing a dictionary, encyclopedia and complete history of the Goths (that is, the historical barbarians of eastern Europe, not brooding Hot Topic dwellers.)
So Why the Internet?
He has been widely recognized as the patron saint of both computer users and schoolchildren. Since 90% of what schoolchildren do with computers is surf the internet, it seemed like a pretty logical step. So, in 2003 it was proposed he become the patron saint of the internet and while he still technically hasn't gotten the title yet, we're assuming he doesn't have a lot of competition.
Possible Prayers:
"I can has absolushun for mai sinz?"
"I LOL'd at my BFF's IM, but got 404, WTF? OMGZ like s4v3 me, kthxbye."

Political Cartoons of the Week, No. 162

Japanese Gardens

Japanese gardens (日本庭園 nihon teien) are traditional gardens whose designs are accompanied by Japanese aesthetic and philosophic ideas, avoid artificial ornamentation, and highlight the natural landscape. Plants and worn, aged materials are generally used by Japanese garden designers to suggest an ancient and faraway natural landscape, and to express the fragility of existence as well as time's unstoppable advance.
Ancient Japanese art inspired past garden designers. By the Edo period, the Japanese garden had its own distinct appearance.
The idea of these unique gardens began during the Asuka period. Japanese merchants witnessed the gardens that were being built in China and brought many of the Chinese gardening techniques and styles back to Japan. Today, the tradition of Japanese garden art is still popular around the world, with many eastern and western practitioners expressing themselves through the medium.
Japanese gardens first appeared on the island of Honshu, the large central island of Japan. Their aesthetic was influenced by the distinct characteristics of the Honshu landscape: rugged volcanic peaks, narrow valleys, mountain streams with waterfalls and cascades, lakes, and beaches of small stones. They were also influenced by the rich variety of flowers and different species of trees, particularly evergreen trees, on the islands, and by the four distinct seasons in Japan, including hot, wet summers and snowy winters.
Japanese gardens have their roots in the Japanese religion of  Shinto, with its story of the creation of eight perfect islands, and of the shinchi, the lakes of the gods. Prehistoric Shinto shrines to the kami, the gods and spirits, are found on beaches and in forests all over the island. Prehistoric shrines often took the form of unusual rocks or trees marked with cords of rice fiber and surrounded with white stones or pebbles, a symbol of purity. The white gravel courtyard became a distinctive feature of Shinto shrines, Imperial Palaces, Buddhist temples, and zen gardens.
Japanese gardens were also strongly influenced by the Chinese philosophy of Daoism and Amida Buddhism, imported from China in or around 552 AD. Daoist legends spoke of five mountainous islands inhabited by the  Eight Immortals, who lived in perfect harmony with nature. Each Immortal flew from his mountain home on the back of a crane.The islands themselves were located on the back of an enormous sea turtle. In Japan, the five islands of the Chinese legend became one island, called Horai-zen, or Mount Horai. Replicas of this legendary mountain, the symbol of a perfect world, are a common feature of Japanese gardens, as are rocks representing turtles and cranes.
Pictures of Japanese Gardens