Monday, February 13, 2017

The Gospel According To Donald Trump


The Priest: "The Holy Gospel according to Saint Donald".

The Congregation: "Glory to you Lord Trump".
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And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his Republicans came unto him: And he opened his mouth because it was impossible for him to talk with his big mouth closed, and taught them, saying,

Blessed are the wealthy for they are not losers.

Blessed are the bigots: for they shall find favor with Trump.

Blessed are the arrogant: for they shall be imitating Trump.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after money: for they shall be fulfilled.

Blessed are those who are stupid: for they shall be imitating Trump.

Blessed are those who deny science: for they shall find favor with Trump.

Blessed are the non-peacemakers: for they shall be just like Trump.

Blessed are they who watch Fox so-called news: for they do not  want to know the difference between reality and fake news.

Blessed are ye, when Muslims, Blacks, the educated and women shall revile you, persecute you, and  say all manner of evil against you  because you believe in Trump, rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in Trump's eyes.


Ye are the know-nothings of the earth: but if the Democrats revile you, hate them  because good for nothing liberals, so insult them, condemn them cast them out and try to destroy them. (See the Holy Gospel according to Saint Mitch "the Bitch" McConnell )  

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

Think not that I have come to destroy the law. I have not come to destroy. I have come to mock the law and bend it to suit my purposes.

Whosoever therefore shall break one of my executive orders or not pay attention to one of my tweets and/or shall teach others to do so, he shall be called to account and persecuted: but whosoever shall do what I teach them, the same shall be called great like me.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you can have as many guns as you want and use them whenever you want, just do not get caught- because getting caught is only for losers.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto
unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust, pat her ass or pinch her ass is acceptable because I have  done so many many times.



It hath been said, whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:  But I say unto you, That is nonsense. Again, I have done so many times.

Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself.  
But I say unto you, swear all that you like and then ignore your oaths. I have done so many times. For instance, I did so when I swore on two Bibles to uphold the Constitution.  

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you,  Always get even twice or three times.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, hate them, curse them, and do terrible and hateful things to them that hate you. What do you have to lose?

Finally, be ye therefore perfect because I am perfect. And you know in your heart, you would rather be me.


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The Priest: "Here endth the lesson."


The Congregation: "Thanks be to Trump."

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